Family, Domestic, and Sexual Violence

HELPLINES
If you are in immediate danger, call 000
If you suspect you are in an abusive relationship, call 1800RESPECT on 1800 737 732
If you identify as male and need support, call Mensline 1300 766 491
If you yourself are violent or abusive towards a family member or partner, call the Referral Service 1300 766 491

Family violence refers to violence, threats of violence, intimidation, and abuse between parents, children, siblings, and elder abuse. Domestic violence (also known as intimate partner violence) is a subtype of family violence, referring to the violence, threats of violence, intimidation and abuse between current or former intimate partners.

Family and domestic violence include behaviours such as:

• Emotional abuse (also known as psychological abuse) such as intimidating, name-calling, yelling, patronising, insulting etc.
• Coercive control such as controlling access to finances, monitoring movements, and isolating from friends and family
• Physical violence such as hitting or threats of hitting, choking, threatening with weapons, pinching, shoving etc.
• Sexual violence such as unwanted touching, rape, penetration by objects etc.
• Technology-facilitated abuse
• Stalking

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The Power and Control Wheel

The Power and Control Wheel demonstrates common tactics abusive partners use to keep their victims in the relationship. It was developed by the Domestic Abuse Intervention Project and assumes he/him pronouns for perpetrators and she/her pronouns for victims, although perpetrators and victims can be of any gender or sexuality.

The outside ring represents physical and sexual violence, while the inside of the wheel is made up of the subtle, continual behaviours over time that occur in coercive control. Acts or threats of physical and sexual violence in the outer ring, reinforce the regular use of other more subtle methods in the inner ring.

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Abuse Statistics

The Australian Bureau of Statistics (ABS) Personal Safety Survey (PSS) in 2016 provides a rough estimate of the number of Australians who have been victims of family, domestic and sexual violence (see the images below). While every experience of family, domestic or sexual violence is very personal and different, it is most common for this type of violence to be perpetrated against women, by men. We are aware that this does not reflect the full scope of gender identity. Please note, that the PSS uses only a very narrow definition of abuse and violence, more in line with the outer circle in The Wheel of Power and Control. Consequently, it is likely to only reflect a small portion of the abuse that occurs, failing to capture many relationships of coercive control.

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Indigenous Australians and People of Colour (POC) are significantly more likely to experience domestic violence, as are those in households that earn lower incomes compared to higher-income households. Individuals that identify as non-binary or LGBTQAI+ are also more likely to experience abuse. For example, a 2017 report found that transgender women who experienced intimate partner violence were nearly 2.5 times more likely to experience sexual violence and nearly 4 times more likely to experience financial abuse than those who do not identify as transgender women.

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Why is it So Hard to Leave Abusive Relationships?

Abusive relationships are complex situations and it takes A LOT of courage to leave. On average, individuals will go back to an abusive relationship SEVEN times before they leave for good.

Abusive relationships don’t often start as violent or coercive. Like any grooming relationship, the perpetrator takes control and psychologically manipulates the individual bit by bit until over time the relationship is characterised by power, control, and fear. By the time the victim suspects they need to get out, they have lost their confidence, sense of self, and most resources. Leaving is often the most dangerous period of time for victims. 

In addition to the risk of experiencing worsened emotional, physical, and sexual abuse in the context of leaving or attempting to leave, there are countless other reasons as to why people stay in abusive relationships. Examples include:

• Emotional abuse destroys individuals self-esteem making it feel impossible to start again
• Normalised abuse eg. if someone grew up in an abusive household, abusive relationships will feel normal and acceptable
• Lack of finances
• Lack of housing
• Lack of other relationships or support
• Fear of breaking up a family
• Fear of compromising the safety of others including children and pets
• Fear of being killed or raped
• Belief that the abuse is deserved
• Belief that allowing the abuse protects others
• Belief that the perpetrator might change
• Belief in the toxic “ride or die” mentality perpetuated by popular culture
• Belief that one is unlovable (more common in marginalised groups and in individuals with cPTSD)
• Shame
• Fear of how others will react if they find out the perpetrator was abusive eg. can occur in religious contexts, or LGBTQAI+ relationships where the individual is not out yet
• The individual is disabled and relies on the perpetrator for support
• Fear of immigration status or drug use etc. being reported

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Coercive Control

Professor Evan Stark, the sociologist who developed the concept of coercive control, points out that asking women if there is someone in their life making them afraid or controlling what they do or say results in a more “profound awakening” than asking women about violence.

Stark defined coercive control as:
A pattern of domination that includes tactics to:
- Isolate
- Degrade
- Exploit
- Control
It is also used to frighten victims or hurt them physically.

According to Stark, coercive control is a particular type of violence. Coercive control perpetrators don’t just use violence as a way to get power in the moment or gain advantage in a fight. Instead, they use strategies such as isolation, gaslighting, and surveillance to strip the individual of their liberty and take away their sense of self. The aim of coercive of control is not to merely gain compliance on a particular issue, the aim is total domination.

Men’s counsellor Lundy Bancroft further articulates this point - “When an abusive man feels the powerful stirring inside that other people call love, he is probably largely feeling the desire to have you devote your life to keeping him happy with no outside interference, and to impress others by having you be his partner. The confusion of love with abuse is what allows abusers who kill their partners to make the absurd claim that they were driven by the depths of their loving feelings.”

Signs of Coercive Control
1. Isolating the person from their friends and family
2. Monitoring their activity eg. checking their phone
3. Denying freedom and autonomy eg. not allowing independent movement, restricting access to transportation etc.
4. Gaslighting eg. questions the person's sanity, insists on a different narrative etc.
5. Name-calling and severe criticism
6. Limiting access to money and controlling finances eg. placing the person on a strict budget, hiding financial resources, limiting access to bank accounts, monitoring spending etc.
7. Coercing the person to take care of all the domestic duties without sharing the load
8. Turning the children against them eg. belittling the person in front of the children, telling the children the person is a bad parent etc.
9. Controlling aspects of health and body eg. monitoring how much the person eats, sleeps, and exercises, what medication they take etc.
10. Making jealous accusations in an attempt to get the person to phase out all other forms of contact
11. Regulating the person’s sexual relationship eg. demands around sexual frequency and sexual acts etc.
12. Threatening the children or pets as an extreme form of intimidation 

Recommended reading: See What You Made Me Do: Power, Control, and Domestic Abuse by Jess Hill

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