What is Breadcrumbing?

Breadcrumbing describes when someone gives you just enough morsels of attention to keep you interested, feeling special, or hooked in waiting for something more, but without any intention of really committing or being consistent. Essentially, it’s a tactic used to string somebody along. 

Also known as ‘hansel and grettling’, breadcrumbing is a form of manipulation that can be deliberate, or unintentional. It can occur in friendships, family relationships, therapy/health care relationships, and romantic relationships. 

Common signs of breadcrumbing: 

• The attention/support is inconsistent - at times highly validating and attentive, at other times disinterested or dismissive 
• Their availability is sporadic/inconsistent 
• You never know where you stand with them 
• You are often left confused by things they do or say 
• The power balance feels off 
• Not following through on promises or plans made 
• Communication is inconsistent or erratic 
• They are threatened or dismissive when you mention feeling insecure in or confused about the relationship 
• They are supportive and warm via text or social media, but are not committed to meeting face to face or are distant in person 
• They seem to be able to turn their feelings towards you/connectedness to you on and off 
• Questions about the status of the relationship are shut down or mocked, or reassurance is given with no true self-reflection or commitment to change 

Being breadcrumbed can leave you feeling like you are on an emotional rollercoaster. When the relationship is good, it can feel incredible and you might feel frustrated with yourself for ever doubting the person. But when the relationship is not so good, you might be left feeling insignificant and unworthy - embarrassed that you thought you ever mattered, and frustrated with yourself for getting your hopes up. You might even blame yourself for not being interesting, likable, or attractive enough. Ultimately, you might blame yourself for every twist and turn, despite having no real power in the relationship. 

What to do if you believe you are being breadcrumbed:

• Talk it through with a trusted friend 
• Work on accepting that the issue lies with the other person. Whether deliberate or not, they do not have capacity to be consistent and reliable 
• Do not keep trying to change the other person 
• Try not to personalise the ups and downs 
• Where possible, distance yourself. Sometimes you may need to end the relationship completely
• Work on getting your emotional needs met elsewhere 
• If it’s not possible to end the relationship, when things are good remind yourself that the other person is consistent, when things are not good, remind yourself that this is just how this person is 

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